Editor’s Note: Just sent this to a half-dozen Los Angeles area hotels
To whom it may concern at (insert name here) hotel, inn or resort,
If you are receiving this letter, then congratulations! That means you have made it onto Adam Cayton-Holland’s short list of reputable, coveted caravansaries in the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area! Please pause for a moment in reading this to pat yourself on the back.
But who is Adam Cayton-Holland? Great question. Adam Cayton-Holland is an up-and-coming stand-up comedian who will be coming to LA in February to participate in that glorious pre-vernal ritual known as “pilot season!” But what is pilot season? Surely you jest! I needn’t explain to you, the finest hoteliers of the City of Angels, what pilot season is! Perhaps you are asking on behalf of some of your employees who may be new, or foreign? Fair game then, chaps, you equal-opportunity employers, you, I shall explain!
You see all year long the most talented minds in the United States dutifully slave away on television scripts that are as groundbreaking as they are inspired. Then the networks purchase these precious bundles of innovation and, come late January, early February, set about casting them. And that’s where people like your boy Cayton-Holland come in. He’s been working hard for years to hone his chops as a stand-up comedian. And why has he been doing that? Because he knew that eventually, if he got to be a good enough comic, he’d be eligible to audition for “Love Interest Number Two,” the roguish bartender who’s studying for the LSAT, on Fox’s newest offering, Girl Talk – or, as it’s known on UPN, Gurl Talk.
Huge influnce on "Gurl Talk"
And so, much like a confused migratory bird meandering off its arduous journey across the ocean, the first two weeks of February will find the resplendent North American Cayton-Holland Bird in Los Angeles, where casting directors, much like obsessed birders, will flock to him, to study his curious, non-native plumage, then add the aberration to their life lists. Or at the very least indifferently grunt, “Next!”
Which is where you come in, LA squires. You see normally Cayton-Holland would just stay on a friend’s couch for such a temporary sojourn of wayward ambition, but that’s when it hit him: why not offer a local business an invaluable opportunity? An opportunity to have a comedian champion their establishment! Think about it: businesses spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on slick, witty ad campaigns promoting their product. Why not save a few bucks and have a comedian sell you? Who’s more slick and witty than a stand-up comic? Christ, those guys practically invented blazers! And brick walls. And Cayton-Holland is no exception. Did we mention that he has ordered a sandwich on ABC’s Happy Endings? Well he has. Twice. Which brings us to the rub.
Keeping alternative weeklies alive
Should you, (insert hotel name here), put up Adam Cayton-Holland from February 1-February 14, he will promote your establishment the entire time he is in Los Angeles. Subtly. He’s not going to go out there like some door-to-door Jesus peddler, annoying everyone he comes across, he’ll be casual about it.
Example: Hey, can you tell me how to get to central casting? The guy at (insert hotel name here) gave me great directions, but I’m afraid I already forgot them. See there’s so much on my mind right now – mainly all this incredibly natural, witty dialogue from the pilot I’m auditioning for. Yeah, I’m a comic out here for pilot season. Whole process is pretty trying actually. Thank god (insert hotel name here) has room service all the way till midnight. Fuel for the fire! Anyway, back to those directions though.
See how organic that was? And if you want Cayton-Holland to step it up on the viral tip, he can even tweet to all 1535 of his followers!
Example: @CaytonHolland: LOL! Totes just got water up my nose in amazing, heated pool at (insert hotel name here).
@CaytonHolland: Another day at (insert hotel name here), another elevator ride with Marta in housekeeping. All smiles that one!
@CaytonHolland: Guys, LA has THE MOST convincing trannies! Thank god for (insert hotel name here) security! ROTFL!
See that’s underground, that’s guerilla, that’s some real deal world of mouth ish, right there. You can’t buy that kind of buzz. You can only barter for it. With two complimentary weeks of lodging for Adam Cayton-Holland.
In closing, we’d like to thank you, (insert hotel name here), for the opportunity to work with you. Anytime you can match an exciting, up-and-coming commodity like Adam Cayton-Holland with an established, reputable business such as yours the outcome is sure to be beneficial for both parties. We eagerly look forward to hearing from you, so please don’t hesitate to contact us with any and all questions at adam.caytonholland@gmail.com.
