Adam Is Freaking Out Right Now

Between tweeting, re-tweeting, gigging and weeping softly in the shower, it seems like we here at Adam is Freaking Out Right Now rarely get the chance to answer all of the e-mails and comments that daily flood our site (by the way follow us on Twitter at @CaytonHolland, do it, fucking do it). And boy howdy there sure are a lot of them! Boy howdy for sure! But seeing as today all we had scheduled was going to the bowling alley to get our fingers measured and our new ball drilled and the punk mother-fucker at Wheatridge Lanes who measures and drills bowling ball holes decided to take the day off, looks like we’ll have time to answer the internet’s many queries. Enjoy!

The first one comes from, Willibrand5296@yahoo.co.uk who asks, “Hey , I spottet a great way to make tons of money online writing blogs. I suppose this is primaraly for the website admin but there are probably lots more bloggers reading this. I’ve made thousands using the techniques described in the product and its only been two months. Auto Blog System X.”

Ha, ha, great question, Willibrand5296, way to spottet Auto Blog System X! What a find that must have been for you! I’m not really sure what any of this has to do with stand-up comedy, but I hope that the “lots more bloggers” reading this find your tips useful. I know that as the website admin, I kind of did. Thanks for reading!

smokelesscigarettes.bizCadlett@gmail.com asks, well, states, “Associate and Declare the win out over Smokeless Cigarette Brands. Evaluate any and buy all the latest and Crop Rated Smokeless Cigarettes that are available.”

Fuck an A, smokelesscigarettes.bizCadlett! I’m fitting to associate and declare the shit out of a win over Smokeless Cigarette Brands! If you ask me, Smokeless Cigarette Brands been acting like some little mark-bitches for a straight minute and it’s about time somebody associate and declared the win out over them. Remember that last barbecue I had? Remember how Smokeless Cigarette Brands just showed up towards the end all drunk and started creeping out all the girls and trying to fight everybody. And I was like, “Yo, did anyone even invite you to this party?” and they got all tough and tried to fight me before my friends were all like, “Chill, chill, Adam can’t go back to prison!” So I say good looking out evaluating and buying all the latest and Crop Rated Smokeless Cigarettes that are available. Straight the fuck up.

glamoruPiazza@gmail.com writes, “your is such a good idea. I really like it and think it’s very useful–even though I didn’t major in math. But demystifying its usefulness in today’s world should be very helpful to those you might consider majoring in it.”

How right you are glamoruPiazza, little gay brother of Mike! For was it not famed mathematician Archimedes who speculated that, “The demystification of math is without question the most paramount step in the cessation of heathen equation-worship?” Before that demystification filthy, cloven-hoofed peasants would regularly migrate thousands of miles to worship giant stone equations through elaborate group masturbation rituals in open fields. That’s what Stonehenge was. But through efforts by Archimedes and contemporary Euclid – not to mention later, further efforts by Leonardo Fibonacci – such ritualistic worshiping of the equation was ruthlessly abolished, its practitioners beaten and flayed in public squares as examples. The result was the more practical, subdued approach to the equation, which paved the way for TI-85 graphing calculators and dollar value menus. I didn’t major in math, glamoruPiazza, but I do know that!

wholesaletruereligionjeans.net opines, “in direct aggression, and the other in wars of aggression or indirectly in terrorism, and we found that both groups are killing innocent people.”

First things first, can we all just admit that wholesaletruereligionjeans is the greatest web-name any of us has ever heard? We all on that same page? Great. Moving on, I don’t really think either group is entirely innocent. I mean in this day in age? With the internet and everything? No one’s really innocent – not even the Amish. I remember a time when I felt innocent but then I turned the TV to the Spice Channel and masturbated to scrambled pornography for the next seven years and my innocence vanished into the basement carpet like so much unused semen. So much for innocence! It’s a thing of the past, wholesaletruereligionjeans! Get with it! Also, when it comes to issues of terrorism and direct aggression, all I’m going to say is if Obama is such a citizen, how come he won’t publish his birth certificate? Shout out to my boy Glen Beck!

superipodking.com/Portuondo@yahoo.com gushes, “¿Sabes qué, he estado buscando alguna información más sobre este tema, y me pregunto si alguien me puede ayudar? He encontrado este sitio web el MSN y agradecería que alguien me envía algunos enlaces más sobre este tema por email. Gracias de antemano.”

Pues, no fue nada, pendejo! Este tema es mi tema favorita entonces seria muy facil escribir sobrelo, sabes? Ha, ha, chido!

And lastly, jvccamcorder.orgMelia13@gmail.com asks, “Where can I find a good JVC Camcorder?”

Well the answer to that is simple: JVC USA. When it comes to camcorders JVC is pretty much the best name in the business – though if you ask me, they do a swell job with any and all home, mobile, and automotive electronics equipment and accessories! Yeah, maybe you’re going to find something cheaper on Amazon.com, but who knows where that equipment has been or what it has gone through? You really want to save $20 and have your camera break three weeks later because you bought it off some internet sketchy Reggie? Exactly. No sir, when it comes to JVC Camcorders, you go right to the source. Call up my good friends at JVC. They’ll take care of you.

Thanks for writing in everybody, keep those letters coming!

I bet you probably think you’ve got it all figured out when it comes to choice Los Angeles Dodgers paraphernalia, don’t you trashy Dodgers fans? Sure you do. Why, you’ve got your throwback Brooklyn Dodgers hat with the flat brim and the price-tag still attached – the price tag that dangles in the breeze like the national flag of some country known for exporting poor taste. You’ve got your Dodgers keychain bottle opener, your brushed chrome Dodgers zippo, plus that wacky  hat with the dreads popping out the back that you don every time you feel like waxing Manny Ramirez and snorting estrogen pills while not fielding. Yes sir, seems like you’ve got it all figured out, Dodgers fans.

But have you got the team’s newest sleeve?

Well what are you waiting for? A pennant? Don’t hold your breath. Instead hold your baby mama’s until she passes out, then grab the keys to her car and drive your ass up to Chavez Ravine! Once there head directly to the team store at the front of the stadium where you will be greeted with a flesh-toned sleeve, one liberally festooned with tribal tattoos and that signature Dodgers blue logo!

Wait, you mean, like, a Dodgers-sanctioned piece of clothing that I can pull over my arm to make it look as if my entire arm is covered in tattoos?

Actually exists.

That’s exactly what I mean, Dodgers fans! Major League Baseball has spoken and apparently you’re trash! Who else but tawdry felons and energy-drink chugging halfwits would ever buy such horrific crap? And before you answer “smarmy pricks enjoying it ironically on their blog with a readership of thirteen,” I would point out that I hardly have the economic clout to affect sales at the team shop – particularly at the shop of a team I despise and whose stadium I’ve been to exactly once. So this sleeve has nothing to do with my amusement. Nope, this baby’s for the Keno players.

So carry on, Dodgers fans, or as you shall be know from here-on-out, baseball’s Juggalos! Plunk down $18 and wear that sleeve on your forearms, your calves – even your dick if you’re a Red Hot Chili Pepper – then head to Crenshaw Boulevard when it’s packed and full of cars and wow everyone there with what is without doubt the most garish piece of paraphernalia in the history of sports! Of course neither you or your friends will know what “garish” means, but that’s okay, because before the whole gang works up a group migraine pondering the confounding new word, your boy Chico will put the sleeve over his head like it’s panty-hose, then run off to rob the nearest bank. And then everyone will be able to afford a new Dodgers sleeve!

Thanks, Chico! Now let’s all release our pits to fight using our sleeve-arms!

For the trashy dad on the go

But pit-bull fights are merely the beginning! Just think how festive your arm will look extinguishing cigarettes on your step-son in an authentic new Dodgers sleeve! Imagine how jacked your flexor muscles will seem curling a King Cobra to your lips when they’re gift-wrapped in a fabric replica of shitty Los Angeles ink!

Sky’s the limit for you, trashy Dodgers fans, so get out there and purchase your new sleeves! Purchase them by the dozens! Because nothing says “twelve-games-out-of-first-place” quite like ‘em.

After five years on the Denver comedy scene, Los Comicos Super Hilariosos, the monthly comedy show that I’ve run with some friends, is hanging up it’s faux-Chicano boots and calling it quits. Seems time to mosey on, to head off into the night die a good and proper Mexican death – which, if my travels have taught me anything, means that the show is not really dead at all but, like, still kind of hanging around on the earth or something even though it’s dead but now it’s like…um, just worshipped and has food left out for it on certain holidays and stuff because it’s  a spirit or skeleton or something. Exactly. Mexicans have a fucked-up relationship with the dead (see Juan Rulfo’s Pedro Paramo, 1955). Regardless, we had a hell of a time putting on what was widely regarded as the best alt, indie, what-the-fuck-ever comedy show in the region. And word certainly got out. In the time that we put on the show, in addition to receiving a (tiny) recycling bin full of great press, we were able to feature such stellar comedians as Louis Katz, Jasper Redd, TJ Miller, Tig Notaro, Maria Bamford, Arj Barker, Moshe Kasher and Kyle Kinane. I’m pretty damn proud of that. I’m also pretty damn proud of the caliber of the show that we put out month after month, especially in the last two years at the Orange Cat Studios. There were some ridiculously funny nights and some crowds that made it all feel electric. Boogie woogie, woogie! I’d like to personally thank anyone who was ever on the show – except those of you that tanked, you know who the fuck you are – but especially Jim Hickox, Andrew Orvedahl, Ben Kronberg, Greg Baumhauer and Ben Roy. I’d also like to thank Sean Rice for letting us use his studio space so freely all the way until his rent got jacked up and he had to leave the building, and I’d like to thank my roommate Monty and my little sister Lydia for so many years working the door. We’ll come back with a new show and a new space sometime soon but for now, it’s hasta luego, Los Comicos. Y gracias por las bromas. But here’s a copy of the video that we closed the grand finale with; it’s a fitting tribute to a show that we all loved putting on for you guys. It’s been real but for now, it’s off to die Mexican style and be dead or, like, not dead forever. But if you want to leave something out to honor us, we’ve always been fond of nachos. They’re faux-Mexican. And we can pretty much get down with that.

Los Comicos Finale from Ben Roy on Vimeo.