Adam Is Freaking Out Right Now

I bet you probably think you’ve got it all figured out when it comes to choice Los Angeles Dodgers paraphernalia, don’t you trashy Dodgers fans? Sure you do. Why, you’ve got your throwback Brooklyn Dodgers hat with the flat brim and the price-tag still attached – the price tag that dangles in the breeze like the national flag of some country known for exporting poor taste. You’ve got your Dodgers keychain bottle opener, your brushed chrome Dodgers zippo, plus that wacky  hat with the dreads popping out the back that you don every time you feel like waxing Manny Ramirez and snorting estrogen pills while not fielding. Yes sir, seems like you’ve got it all figured out, Dodgers fans.

But have you got the team’s newest sleeve?

Well what are you waiting for? A pennant? Don’t hold your breath. Instead hold your baby mama’s until she passes out, then grab the keys to her car and drive your ass up to Chavez Ravine! Once there head directly to the team store at the front of the stadium where you will be greeted with a flesh-toned sleeve, one liberally festooned with tribal tattoos and that signature Dodgers blue logo!

Wait, you mean, like, a Dodgers-sanctioned piece of clothing that I can pull over my arm to make it look as if my entire arm is covered in tattoos?

Actually exists.

That’s exactly what I mean, Dodgers fans! Major League Baseball has spoken and apparently you’re trash! Who else but tawdry felons and energy-drink chugging halfwits would ever buy such horrific crap? And before you answer “smarmy pricks enjoying it ironically on their blog with a readership of thirteen,” I would point out that I hardly have the economic clout to affect sales at the team shop – particularly at the shop of a team I despise and whose stadium I’ve been to exactly once. So this sleeve has nothing to do with my amusement. Nope, this baby’s for the Keno players.

So carry on, Dodgers fans, or as you shall be know from here-on-out, baseball’s Juggalos! Plunk down $18 and wear that sleeve on your forearms, your calves – even your dick if you’re a Red Hot Chili Pepper – then head to Crenshaw Boulevard when it’s packed and full of cars and wow everyone there with what is without doubt the most garish piece of paraphernalia in the history of sports! Of course neither you or your friends will know what “garish” means, but that’s okay, because before the whole gang works up a group migraine pondering the confounding new word, your boy Chico will put the sleeve over his head like it’s panty-hose, then run off to rob the nearest bank. And then everyone will be able to afford a new Dodgers sleeve!

Thanks, Chico! Now let’s all release our pits to fight using our sleeve-arms!

For the trashy dad on the go

But pit-bull fights are merely the beginning! Just think how festive your arm will look extinguishing cigarettes on your step-son in an authentic new Dodgers sleeve! Imagine how jacked your flexor muscles will seem curling a King Cobra to your lips when they’re gift-wrapped in a fabric replica of shitty Los Angeles ink!

Sky’s the limit for you, trashy Dodgers fans, so get out there and purchase your new sleeves! Purchase them by the dozens! Because nothing says “twelve-games-out-of-first-place” quite like ‘em.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 23rd, 2010 at 8:43 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.