Adam Is Freaking Out Right Now

Much like the rest of the zinfandel-heaving, white people of America, today I too received an e-mail from Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of Netflix, that, among many other things, alerted me to the fact that there is a person named Reed Hastings who is the Co-Founder and CEO of Netflix. Huh. But after alerting Netflix Nation to his existence, Reed didn’t just stop there. On the contrary. He proceeded to opine for paragraph after paragraph about his failure to properly address recent Netflix rate increases in a baffling tone that meandered between apologetic lover and whiny little bitch. Then back again. To wit:

Dear Adam,

I messed up. I owe you an explanation.

It is clear from the feedback over the past two months that many members feel we lacked respect and humility in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming and the price changes. That was certainly not our intent, and I offer my sincere apology. Let me explain what we’re doing.

Let me ask you not to, Reed. Let me counter with a letter of mine own instead. For such an earnest effort on your part certainly deserves an earnest response. Think of it as emblematic of the people, if you wish, Reed, your people – the millions of us who opened our in-boxes this morning and thought, “Wait a second, I don’t have a friend named fucking Reed.”

Well we do now. For better or for…worse.

(Clears throat)

Dear Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of Netflix,

I don’t give a shit. Not only do I not give a shit, but now I find myself annoyed at having to think about how little of a shit I give. You didn’t mess up and you don’t owe me an apology. Do you still have a really good selection of DVD’s and stuff? Obscure documentaries I can’t find anywhere else? Art house, indie, holier-than-thou flicks to scratch my pretentious itch then also a bunch of high school flicks because high school movies are the shit? You do? Are you still going to mail them to my house for free? Fucking cool. Then we’re fine. You should stop talking to me now.

Oh wait, there’s more you want to tell me? What your biggest fear for the past five years has been? Jesus Christ, Reed, I just learned you existed today and now I’m forced to picture you fretting like a scurred little bitch for the past half decade? What part of “I don’t care” don’t you get, Reed? Who gives a shit that you were scared you, “wouldn’t make the leap from success in DVD’s to success in streaming?” Do you know what happens in my brain when you voice concerns that you would suffer the fate of companies like “AOL dialup or Borders bookstores,” companies that were once great but couldn’t hang with the new demands of the public? I’ll tell you what happens: I just lump you in the list. AOL dialup, Borders, Netflix. That’s how my brain works, Reed. That’s how humans brains work. So don’t group yourself with losers in any context unless you want us to think of you as a loser. Rule of the playground, homey. You should be throwing AOL dialup in the mud. You and a bunch of your friends should all get together and call Borders a faggot in front of everyone. Yes it’s mean and maybe you had some bi-curious thoughts in the shower once but this is the playground, motherfucker, it’s eat or be eaten. And you can still be friends with Borders on the weekends when none of the other kids from school are around.

So you changed a few things in your system. So there was a rates hike. So you’re streaming now, big whoop! Do you have any idea how little that means to me? I don’t even know what streaming is. I’m pretty sure it’s that kick ass system that most of my friends have where all their music and movies and games and everything are right there on their television in one sleek, streamlined package but I’m not really tech-savvy enough to pull that off. Whenever I go to their houses I just marvel at the push-of-a-button-ease and they say, “Well, it’s really simple, you could do it too,” and I just laugh at them like they told me I could learn Japanese in a day. Then I make them play back episodes of “Party Down.” Such technological feats are not for me, the man who still buys CD’s, Reed, so quit your fucking whiny apologizing about changes to the system because it’s irrelevant. Maybe if my little sister comes over and sets up this whole streaming thing for me and painstakingly explains to me how to do every tiny part of it, I’ll care, but even then, Reed I’m not gonna flip my shit because you’re charging me two bucks more for all the entertainment in the world!

Bottom line, Reed, my boy, Netflix kicks ass. You know it, we know it. Know what else we know? That we’ve been practically stealing it from you for years. I pay, what $8.95 a month for unlimited fucking movies? Give me a goddamn break, Reed. That’s not going to break my back. It won’t break my back if you boosted that shit up to $20. I’m a hipster. I like good movies. I’m not the trash standing outside a 7-11 Red Box, eager to receive whatever limited entertainment options the people who sell me taquitos think I’ll enjoy. You’re not going to rock my fucking world by asking me to pay a little more for your amazing services, so quit acting like a beyatch and man up to the fact that you’re trying to make a little money now for the brilliant idea you once had. If anything just say that. “Hey gang, I’m the genius behind Netflix but I didn’t figure out how to make enough on it when it first came out. Now I’m fixing that so I can be the baller I deserve to be so I’m going to need like $3 more from each of you. Cool?”

And it would be, Reed. It would be more than cool. And it would also be an approach I respect. Because it’s time for that, Reed, you’ve earned it. So stand up for yourself, poindexter, and tell us how shit is going to be. Don’t apologize for it or ask us how we feel about it. Just hit us in the face and tell us you love us. You already got us hooked, man, quit with the foreplay and commence with the fucking. And certainly don’t close by announcing you’re now going to change your name to fucking Qwikster, Reed, because that’s just going to piss us off. Big time.

In closing, what the fuck were you thinking, Reed? I mean, really.

Patiently awaiting Cedar Rapids, I remain,
Adam Cayton-Holland

This entry was posted on Monday, September 19th, 2011 at 12:17 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.